I used to consider myself to be a bit of a feminist.  I wanted to be a smart career woman, not a stupid slut who marries some guy for his money and assumes that my life is now complete from a materialistic standpoint.  I wanted to provide for myself, and not need a man to support me.  So what did I do?  I went to college, chose a really hard major to guarantee myself success, and dated based for love and not money.

My life would have been much better at this point if I dropped out of school and married rich.

Anyways since president’s week is coming up and all the normal schools have off (unlike mine) therefore all my friends are home.  Instead of going out and partying and getting fucked up we sat on Rae’s couch and talked about how when our grandma’s were our age they were planning weddings.  All I have to say is that being 19 years old and thinking about planning a wedding makes me want to vomit.

I guess back then women didn’t really have jobs so all they had to look forward to in life was becoming a house wife and feeding screaming children and cleaning the house.  Actually I lied that makes me want to vomit.

Maybe if I were 19 and dating a 19 year old I would just laugh at this arrangement, however as a naive 19 year old who is stupidly dating a man about 8 years older I can kind of relate to this problem.  So Ed just celebrated his 27th birthday.  The average age to get married is what, 27?  Yeah.  Not that mine and his relationship really follows the average but seriously… when does he plan on getting married?  Career wise he’s just about on the same level I am so if our fucked up relationship makes it that far at least I know he won’t feel like he was ready for years and just waiting.  But quite honestly, although I have no plans for marriage any time remotely soon, I’m pretty sure this guy plans on marrying me… hence why he has asked me a few times to move in with him.  If I were 25 and we were both financially stable, ok.  But a college student moving in with a Saf-T-Swim instructor is just sounding like an epic fail to me.

So it’s a Friday night and I decided that I wanted to spend the night in my room.  This would be a little bit less antisocial if all of my suitemates didn’t go home for the weekend.

I guess you can say that I’ve just gotten used to it, since I’ve had to stay in to study so often in the past.  Which reminds me, after 3 semesters of hell, I’ve finally decided that maybe it would be best to give up the premedical program and enjoy my college years like a normal person would.  I can’t decide if I’m relieved or if I feel as though I’m selling myself short.

Here’s my argument: I want to live a non-stressful life.  I’ve known since 9th grade that I wanted to go into the health science field as it has always interested me.  So doctor=health science field=a lot of money=no financial struggle=non-stressful life.  But since it has become the “thing” to sue our wonderful, faithful, family doctors for a few million because your kid was born with down syndrome or autism and it MUST be your doctors fault, I guess you can say that that lifestyle has changed a little bit.  Plus medical school is far from non-stressful, as is undergrad biology, and I would be almost 30 before I would ever get a real secure job where I don’t have to live my life on call.  So maybe it is stressful after all…

So I guess I will take my mothers advice, because as much as I try to avoid it, in the end I always do.  I will most likely be going into physical therapy now.  There, I said it.  BUT I would probably be a pediatric physical therapist and teach kids with deformities and diseases how to walk and do things like a normal kid, none of that boring sports medicine nonsense.

So daddy sits down this morning with the local paper and finds an article that just so happens to list his name and annual salary.  Not only was that rather awkward and personal but turns out my dad makes more money than I thought he did.

I think almost everyone has a fear of becoming their parents.  But is being like our parents really that bad?  Would we all really be that disappointed with the life they have chosen?  If your parents are always unhappy, that’s one thing; but if both of your parents were successful and enjoyed their jobs then why is becoming our parents such a negative thing?

Recently, I’ve noticed that all the career decisions I’ve made are for careers that earn more than what I thought my father made (now that I know the real number I’ve got to step it up a notch).  I’m not interested in the money because I want to be rich or drive a nice car or buy designer clothes (even though all of those would be very nice, too) but because I feel as though I need to do better in life than my parents did.  So basically in order to not feel like a failure I am considering choosing a job that I might not be happy with… make sense?

But could it be all that bad to make more than 221k a year individually (I might as well throw the number out there, since it’s in the paper anyway) even if I don’t like the job?  Money can buy nice things.  And life is a lot less stressful when you’re not struggling through it.  Yeah, money can be seen as “bad luck.”  But if you really appreciate it, it can’t be too terrible.

Maybe I’m getting a bit intellectual, but recent dilemmas in my life have caused me to ask myself this question: What is more important, love or sex?

I’ve learned that you can have a relationship with somebody who knows what they’re doing (if you know what I mean) and lack any sort of emotional connection.  I’ve also learned that you can date someone who knows how to treat a girl but isn’t so satisfying in the bedroom.  So, as my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Barrera used to say, which is the better buy?  Because I’m stumped.

Now I can pick the sex guy and and have a wonderfully fulfilling sex life but always feel lonely.  Or, I can pick the nice guy, and know he’ll always be there to hold my hand and wipe my tears and do anything for me, yet carry out my life feeling unsatisfied and most likely very horny.  This is actually beginning to sound appealing, since 70% or more of marriages are sexless anyway.  And there are always vibrators…  Or I can date both and be satisfied in both categories.  Hmm…

Which brings me to my next question:  Is it wrong to have two boyfriends?  I’m at an “experimental” age; I should be dating lots of people, not “wasting my best years” on someone I’ll probably break up with in a year or two and never talk to again.  But how do you know when one of them is getting too attached to you?  Even worse, how do you know when you are getting too attached to one of them? or both?

As selfish as it sounds, maybe it’s not too bad.  It’s the type of situation where no matter what you choose you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings, and I don’t like that.  But if you live out your life worrying about other people, you’re never going to make yourself happy.

In real life, nobodies perfect.  Nobody is going to fulfill every category.  Some are lovers, some are just good in bed.  And in the end, everyone has to compromise.  Which leads me to my final question… Do we really compromise?  Or do we just settle for less than we deserve?

So I usually don’t have enough time to bother with these sort of things but I guess I was inspired by Kerri Leonard’s wonderful tumblr posts and decided to make my own.  This really takes me back to the livejournal days…